Tuesday, July 13, 2010


So I am employed - as of right now - I am not sure how long that will last.

I am a grave yard cage cashier at the Carson Nugget. It pays not very well, I haven't made this little since I was pregnant with Brooklyn but it is a job. I am not sure they are going to want me when I tell them about my back.

I am going to have my back surgery. I thought I was going to wait until December and Christmas break and do it then - but my docs all say I need to do it NOW - and by now they mean - eh, when they can do it. So it will be like Sept. or Oct. I will know more like the end of July? I am very nervous about it. I wish I would have done it last December because I am in soo much pain - like Becky said, there will never be a good or convient time for back surgery, I will be outta commission for so long after this surgery and let's face it - it's not a c-section or gall bladder surgery. It is freaking me out!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Do you ever feel like you can't catch a freaking break?

I swear! My next surgery 2 surgeries ago was supposed to be for new boobs, slimmer thighs and a tummy tuck....not that I can afford it, but my personal theory is that being put general anesthesia can't be good for ones body - so I wanted to limit my time spent under for something awesome like having my boobs put back to where God wanted them originally.

I got more bad news today about my back. As you may remember - I was supposed to have back surgery last December but bailed on it because of money and I wasn't currently having a terrible flare up. I am back "on" with the terrible flare up.
A flare up happens when my already severely herniated disc gets squished more between the vertebrae and presses even more on my nerve which in this case is my sciatic nerve. It is being pressed between L4-L5 and L5-S1. before it was mostly my left side - this summer my right side has been added to the party.

So now during a flare up from my butt to my calf I have a burning charlie horse. It is not fun! Certain life style choices I have made increase my risk of flare ups, they are:

Wearing flip flops...who wants to wear their orthopedic tennis shoes in the summer? Me I guess

Gardening....I should be allowed to use a shovel to dig out weeds and plant flowers with out pain.

Walking, lifting, bending, sitting - sitting has become so bad because your sciatic nerve exits your pelvis into your buttocks - so when I sit it immediately puts more pressure on that nerve and I lose sensation in my legs and feet - they immediately fall asleep.

So, on a normal day my toes are always tingley - on a bad day I am not sure how many toes I have.

So I have continue my drug therapy for the moment. I have been on:
Flexaril, Ultram, Vicodin, Loratab, Lyrica and now I am on Topomax - Lyrica made me gain 3 lbs and I can't be having that! I freaked out w/ the Dr. today. He said a lot of people lose weight on Topomax. I am eager! I hope it helps dull the nerve pain!

So the bad news is: The nerve is being pressed harder on both sides now. My pain management Dr. agreed that the cortisone epidurals are no longer effective in treating the pain. He said I need to do whatever it takes to get my surgery asap. He re-refered me to the Neurologist. It is sad when your pain mgmt Dr. says you need surgery. BLAH.... he said that I likely have permanent nerve damage and that my toes may always be tingley even after they fix my back. That is so scary because I am only 32!! So anyways I will prepare myself for yet ANOTHER surgery that I can't afford. I owe so many frickin people money - it is not even funny! I don't know what I am going to do! Have to spend our Spain money on back surgery?

mustard seeds

Mustard seeds are really small. And if one little one gets in your shoe over a period of time it will eventually wear you down and annoy you. Now add several other equally small mustard seeds to that shoe over a period of time and you have the recipe for a delicious family stew.

It is amazing that we let little small indiscrections/ hurt feelings jeopardize family relations threatening them for generations. Are you going to allow hurt feelings to compile one on top of another for decades? Do you even know where it all began? If they were dealt with one at a time would it be such a big deal now? Were they such a big deal then? I have had a ton of mustard seeds that I have discarded because, well it is what you do with family. Forgive the retarded stuff. Recently I have decided to hang on to a few...just a few, I like the color of mustard....and I have heard when I am angry my face is a beautiful shade of red.

Rather then dealing with that mustard seed when it was first bothering us by taking our shoe off and shaking it out we left it in there to fester, almost like we want to be annoyed by something. But what good has come of it?

It is time that we all take our shoes off and shake out those mustard seeds.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Kinda, I am done

Every family has their baggage. I have first cousins on my Dad's side of the family I never met until my Grandma died in 2001. As a matter of fact one of the cousins I had never met had never even met his own brother until that same time - it had been nearly 40 yrs. So I know what a little mustard seed of hurt feelings can do to a family.
I have tried to keep my family relationships tight. I always wanted my kids to know their cousins like best friends and to have relationships with their extended cousins as well.
But now it seems that we are at a cross roads of sorts. I am kinda done doing the leg work. I understand now, that I am an adult, the reason I didn't have as close of relationships with my family from Alabama and most of my cousins is because my family didn't think it was important while I was growing up. We never traveled to visit my Alabama family, I have as an adult. And for the most part most of my cousins despite all living in the Las Vegas/ Henderson area were Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter family. It is sad. I know. I didn't want that for my kids. Even being so far away I have tried very hard to be more then that.
Frustrated in May by my own family I decided to impose a break - I haven't talked to anyone in my family since May 28th, 2010. My frustration didn't all arise from me being butt hurt about my feelings but I also thought that people weren't being as supportive of other changes as I thought, so ok - I took a break, I didn't intend on it to last this long originally, but it has. And the funny thing is I am not sure anyone but my sister knows I am ignoring them! haha My brother probably hasn't even realized that I am not talking to them. Awesome! I mean, I deleted every one's numbers from my cell phone as not to accidentally text them in a moment of weakness! haha Although, I miss my sister, I am still not sure I am over being over looked. I know it is that mustard seed. Starts out so small.

That moment of weakness nearly came this weekend. I almost had to call Holly. She would have been the first person that I called in this situation normally.
Don's family doesn't escape the crazy family drama loop. Nope, not at all! He has family who live in the area. We haven't seen them since Christmas. I have invited them to school functions and dinners and such and I used to just think it was their busy and opposite work schedules which kept them from coming by. But alas, I have had an eye opening weekend! Apparently, I have done something so criminal that they will not return phone calls, texts or emails which I have inquired if there has been a problem between them and me, since I have noticed things to be stale. They didn't respond, so I didn't think of it. Well, this weekend Don had other family in town an the CC area family had a big cookout w/ their entire family (who are all locals) and then the out of town family and then invited Don's step daughter and her family....and not us! Could we get a bigger F-U! What a slap in the face. If you are going to be upset at me for something that I have said or done, real or imaginary - shouldn't you give me the courtesy of telling me what it was so I could at least defend myself. Perhaps, they are pissed at Don...perhaps. I really wished we could all clear the air! I want to be able to apologize or defend myself - but I don't know what or who or why I would be apologizing at this point.
So we have a mustard seed growing among Don's family. They are offended by something and need to distance their selves from us - and at this point, I actually think they owe me an apology for being so rude~ fine don't invite me to your shin dig ~ it is your house and you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. But I am not making excuses for you anymore either, so when Brooklyn asked me, "Why didn't we go to their house to have homemade ice cream sandwiches?" I said, "I am not sure - we weren't invited - why don't you call them and ask". I can't even tell her why we weren't invited. What a load of shit, honestly. So my kids won't know you and you won't know my kids? Is that what we want from this? The line has clearly been drawn in the sand. And at this point without a meeting of the minds, which doesn't seem like it will happen - my kids are in Carson City with NO Stepro Family. It is hard to say, but I feel like that is the way they want it. Be pissed off at me or Don all you want - but why are you taking it out on my kids? So needless to say, I have deleted phone numbers from my phone - don't want to text people who don't like me. and the same w/ Facebook - not going to be facebook friends with people who don't want to be friends in real life.

Ok, so any ways... I guess I am just kinda done for now - I am done investing more into people then I am seeing returned. The peacemaker side of me wants everyone to just be happy an to get along and I want to be able to call my sister again. But the other part of me thinks, I am too busy, I have my own family to worry about - and if I can go over a month not talking to my own family I can surely go years not talking to my husbands. My Aunt on my Dad's side got offended back in the 70's and I didn't meet my cousin until 2001. It sucks. I never thought my family would splinter - I know my family will be fine - we will start talking again as if nothing happened - but I don't know about Don's. This seems pretty final.

I guess even Job would have to raise the white flag eventually. No one can be that patient and long suffering for ever...right? I guess it is time for me to foster a relationship of family within my own kids and pray they are better at it then my own family and Don's have been. It doesn't matter what happens you are family, right?